| Author | Post |
|---|
erudite
Member
| Joined: | Tuesday October 7th, 2008 |
| Location: | Dallas, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2 |
| Visits: | | | Currently: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thursday October 9th, 2008 03:33 am |
|
Okay, here I am a 57 year old WM who looks younger and actually has always been thought of as younger by anyone I worked with or had as friends, all my life. I don't know why, it just has been that way and my Dad was the same way. At least that is in my favor as is my health.
The dilemma is this: This forum, others and all sorts of blogs and forums on the internet all say different things. Some are for May December marriages, some put limits on them (for obvious reasons like 20-70, etc.) and some try to give guidelines.
None of them really agree. All the women's forums and others related to this topic on the internet as a consensus seem to favor a May December relationship and marriage with codiciles or addenda added as to how much the people really "click", etc. And without a doubt the women's forums heartily endorse the older woman younger man relationship. Age variations given as guidelines are from 15-20 years.
This forum says about 20 years. But I am finding a number of early 30 something women in Russia that are legitimate (not scammers) are interested in me. They know my goal, a Russian wife and they see my description of myself, etc. etc. My guidelines list ages from 34-44 preferred, but I get a fair amount of contact from women who are 31, 32, 33. They are educated, accomplished and legitimate. I really don't want to just blow them off, but I suppose if one of them and I had "chemistry" I would seriously consider marriage.
I would appreciate some input on this subject as I was approaching the quest for a RW to be my wife rather soberly and carefully, but this is playing with my head.
|
ronin1
Administrator
| Joined: | Saturday January 21st, 2006 |
| Location: | S.F. Bay Area, California USA |
| Posts: | 622 |
| Visits: | 7 | | Currently: | married |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wednesday October 15th, 2008 08:55 pm |
|
Erudite,
Indeed, the ‘age gap’ is one of the most hotly debated issues about the RW quest. Every AM must face and resolve this issue else he would be forever filled with doubt in his pursuit. Some opt to resolve it by pretending it is not there. Others try using their existing norms and pursue only RW that are just a few years different from theirs. Yet, many will say that age is only a state of mind.
There will never be a general agreement as to what is a ‘correct” age difference for all marriages, let alone AM/RW marriages. The best one can do is to define what is best for the individuals involved.
First off, one must determine whether age is a determining factor in ones marriage decision making process. Bare in mind that in this quest, (or some maybe many), a specific age difference is a requirement. If you are of this mindset, then the debating issue of ‘age gap’ is relevant. Otherwise this post is a mute point… perhaps. Regardless of what anyone may tell themself, age is a determining factor in some way. On one hand, no one wants to be in legal trouble by marrying jail bait, nor do I see any AM marrying RW that are 10 years older than themselves. Whether consciously of unconsciously age differences are on our collective minds.
If you are still with me, then it is settled that the age difference is an important factor. The quest is, “How important?” Let me pose a hypothetical.
Let’s say that you had before you a near unlimited supply of marriage minded women to choose from to marry. They come in all shapes, sizes, ages, looks and temperaments. In this case you have the luxury to select an age gap that you feel most appropriate for you or what is most desirable. This is often the root cause of concern. What is implied by ones cultural norms as ‘appropriate’ verse what one ‘wants’.
Nearly all men desire to recapture the feelings of their first love and romance. Though we maybe older, still, our strongest thoughts and feels revolve around this. Of course these are not mature thoughts… they are our earliest memories of intense emotional love. There is nothing like the sight of a young beautiful lady that can kindle those latent memories back into full flame. Contrast this with what we have been taught about what a wife should be. To be responsible, the image of a woman of similar age and background often comes to mind. This is the conflict that AM face… to follow their desires of the heart (greater gap) or select a wife by their compatibility attributes (smaller gap).
To be responsible is also a way to incur less risk in the marriage. The idea of choosing to marry a more compatible woman (smaller gap) suggests a more stable relationship and less risk of its collapse. While a marriage to a woman that fans your flames (larger gap) is more subject to the winds for passion and flick to loosing their interest in one particular man. However, these are really our cultural perceptions of relationships.
These perceptions apply in Russia as well, however there is one very significant difference. The culturally acceptable age gap is shifted (larger) due to economic and demographic reasons. This shift is even more pronounced for potential grooms that command power or wealth.
Hopefully these ideas with lend some structure on how to resolve ones conflict on the ‘age gap’ as it relates to the groom. I have touch on just a few major points from the AM’s POV. Still, perhaps the most important POV has yet to be discussed… the RW’s.
It is but our perceptions that hold us back. The internal conflicts that cause us to pause and doubt our direction is an individual one… to let ones heart or mind reign in the RW selection process, or perhaps both.
Ronin
|
erudite
Member
| Joined: | Tuesday October 7th, 2008 |
| Location: | Dallas, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2 |
| Visits: | | | Currently: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wednesday October 15th, 2008 09:22 pm |
|
Thank you Ronin1. Most certainly you give sage and sanguine advice having your experience. It is most certainly a dilemma. I have known more than a few WM/WW marriages where there was an age gap of 15 years or more and they seemed fine, but of course I did not LIVE with them. Many marriages seem fine to outsiders while they are really in trouble with the insiders.
WM perceptions on these age gap factors truly are colored by our society and govern our thought process at least in a subliminal way. I know mine is when I consider engaging courtship with these women that are so much younger than I am. But they seem so persistent and sure of what they want. It seems to boil down to what the person is like individually. I cannot think of a more self satisfying moment than when someone might say to me, "Gosh you sure robbed the cradle" and I would retort "Well my daughter is a actually like a big sister to her".
Personally I could not care less of what people around me would say, it is my business and that of my future wife. And should that become an issue with her after she is "Americanized", I will maintain my level of independent thought and opinion to differ from the perceived AM normal age gap factor. It would be purely a matter of what is going on between the two of us.
I suppose I have a latent fear that while a younger RW might not have any issues with the age gap factor while she is still "Russianized", perhaps the factors of "Americanization" could generate future insecurity on her part. That goes with the territory if I am to tread that minefield. I accept that fact and risk. When it is time to fish or cut bait as they say, I will have to decide whether to bet on blackjack or not.
I really do enjoy this forum very much and I appreciate everyone who has contributed to it. I have learned a great deal from reading and re-reading it end to end.
|
ronin1
Administrator
| Joined: | Saturday January 21st, 2006 |
| Location: | S.F. Bay Area, California USA |
| Posts: | 622 |
| Visits: | 7 | | Currently: | married |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thursday October 16th, 2008 08:46 pm |
|
Erudite,
I forgot… welcome to the RWP!
Thanks for the praise.
Indeed, much of the troubles in AM/AW marriages can be traced back to unrealistic expectations of AW. They are now taught that they can do anything and have it all. This is of course a fallacy and the husband becomes expendable because of this type of thinking.
It’s funny that the “robbing the cradle” notion only applies to a man who unduly or with no apparent reason acquires the affections and love of a much younger woman. As if the man by some slight of hand or psychological manipulation had forced control over her. Then again, if the man is an ugly toad who is rich, society turns a blind eye. The fact of the matter is that the income and life style of the average AM places him as being relatively well off to many RW. With Russian economics being so unstable, RW value security and stability much more highly than AW ever will.
Yes, Americanization is a mixed bag. Beware of those RW that want to Americanize too quickly, for that maybe their stepping stone to leaving their first American marriage. Regardless, no matter how well you reduce the risk there will always be some component that still ends up to the luck of the draw or the how well one fares in the game RW-Russian roulette.
Best of luck,
RoninLast edited on Thursday October 16th, 2008 08:46 pm by ronin1
|
Current time is 04:41 am | |
|
|
|