RW expectations of the Western Lifestyle…
I’ve seen many WM go to great lengths to feather the nest before their RW arrival. Some have built new homes, purchased new second cars, bought new furniture and even setup world wind vacations around the world for their honeymoon.
It sounds so responsible that WM go to such great lengths. Why do they do it? Is it love? Is this all good medicine for the WM? Are they trying to strike them with awe and wonder at what they can provide?
Regardless, these initial actions and others like it can work against the WM in the long run. For those WM that are going out on a limb to go to great lengths, the RW doesn’t know that one’s actions are atypical to one’s general habits. The typical RW comes to a new lifestyle and assumes that what she initially experiences is the baseline of the lifestyle she will live. For her, the bar is set at ground level, while to the overindulgent WM the bar maybe artificially set over his head.
This is where marriages can go south very fast. From the RW’s POV, she will be expecting that with the power of two people building a relationship, the bar will rise, while the WM’s POV is that now that they are married he can ease up and now pay for all the things that he felt he had to feather the nest with. Both people thinking in opposite directions will led to an expectations not being met on both sides.
On one hand the RW sees that her husband is withdrawing his support to her. That instead of growing together and becoming more open in all affairs, he is closing or limiting them more. How would the WM know that a RW would take his actions in such a counter-intuitive fashion (that is what forums are for). On the other hand, the WM sees that his wife is always upset and moody. She doesn’t appreciate all the things that he has done for her. Here is the rub; how could she? Most of it was done before here arrival. Also, she may have little or no knowledge of the WM’s finances and debt beforehand.
Often times the result of such miss-communications is the start of a flat spin that leds to a crash and burn story that could have been avoided.
I’m for reasonably accommodating RW for aculturating and easing them into a new environment. Such actions are good for strengthening the bonds of a relationship by displaying one’s ability to be clever and levelheaded. Yet with too much of this at the wrong time all one’s efforts can be made in vain for the long haul.
Remember that when one bends backwards to accommodate a RW, be sure that it is not seen as bending forwards to the RW’s POV. Feathering the nest belongs to the RW. RW want to make that house or apartment their home; to feel that they had some efforts in creating a shell into something that is worth living in. Leave that up to her.
Overall, creating the appearance of a grand lifestyle in the beginning of the marriage, whether intentional or not, is only for those that are suited to maintain such a lifestyle. For those that are not of this persuasion, it may be best to be more modest and truthful as to how the family will live. IMO, despite how one may believe that the first months should be made to be like heaven, it may be best to firmly ground the bar of the RW’s expectations. Lifting the bar will just come naturally with time. A WM doesn’t have to lift a finger in this regard. The RW’s expectations will rise on its own accord.
Ronin
Last edited on Thursday July 20th, 2006 05:41 am by ronin1
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